Paused Only Boundaries
by Verbatimxo
Summary: Katsumi struggled with her past, and most importantly trust; she was closed off and just like her friends hard-headed. To find a better way to get through her struggles; that have come with growing up in the 'bad part' of the Rukon District. She craves a balance of neutrality and peace in her life, but that has been hard to come by in life thus far. [OCxShuuhei and some OCxRenji]
1. Pressure

**Chapter I: Pressure**

 _We grew up together, this girl and I; she shares a similar life with Rukia. Or at least that is what she tells me about herself._

Rukia graduated from the academy and was assigned to the 13th division early on because of her new family status as a Kuchiki. I was alone in the academy, not that I cared too much. But it was such an odd feeling, going from being with someone on a daily basis; to suddenly being on your own. Rukia and I were great friends, ever since we were children; we had a strong bond that I thought would not change, but it did for a while.

I still remember the very first day I was on my own, I was walking through the halls and I heard a female yelling and deep voices coming from down the hall. I was curious and couldn't help myself, I could have chosen to ignore it, but I'm glad I didn't. Turning the corner of a hallway I found a first-year girl trapped in the corner by a group of upperclassmen. Pulling at her uniform, hair, and teasing her. We made eye contact and I could see fear in her eyes, she had put up a fight, she had blood coming out of her mouth and her hands balled up into a fist.

That day reminded me a lot of when I first met Rukia; she had given food to a kid that could not fend for himself. She taught me a lesson that day, it's not just about me but the others around me.

I started hanging out with her, she was the influence I needed in my life since Rukia left, someone who saw life in a different way from myself. Someone who could see the good in people despite their actions.

Katsumi, was a great student, someone who asked questions and most importantly excelled in Kido, a study I lacked in. She was recognized by our teachers because she had a resolved that grew as she got stronger; something that should always happen as a student.

For a while, we were close, just like how Rukia and I were; until Katsumi was moved to the 8th Division.

•••

"Captain?" I said as I knocked on Captain's door lightly.

"Yes, yes, come in my sweet Katsumi." I heard Captain Kyoraku call in a warm and welcoming voice. It took me months to get used to his warm way of addressing his members, he always teases his female Vice Captain, Ise. She hated it most of the time, and also scolded him.

I opened the door to his office, my stomach churning when I made eye contact with my Captain who sat at his wooden desk with a cup of Sake in his right hand and a warm smile painted on his face. No matter the situation Captain always had a smile on his face and of course chasing after Ise; despite being told many times that she was not interested he continued to chase after her, I guess the challenge was something he loved.

"Katsumi, how are you doing tonight? Would you like some Sake?" he held up a bottle that sat by the half full cup on his desk. His office was filled with books, and of course paperwork. Unlike the other captain's offices he worked by a soft light and not the harsh lighting that an overhead light would provide.

I shook my head; turning down his offer. "I'm fine, thank you. I am here because Tomoya said you wanted to talk with me. It seemed rather urgent, so…here I am." I shrugged.

A chuckle escaped his lips. "Ease up Katsumi, this is more of a check-in versus an _urgent meeting_ , or however Tomoya phrased it."

I was still uncomfortable about having one on ones, they were usually done once a month, or in Captain's case done whenever he wanted or when he had the chance. It allowed him to see how his members were doing; it allowed him to see if he could improve. Many of us members, took it as a way for him to get to know us. The older members would just come into his office if they needed to chat, us newer members, on the other hand, were tracked down at least once a month. I let a heavy sigh out and kept my posture straight, I was tilted my head to the right and remembered that I had my check in just last week. He visited me while I was on rounds and we chatted for what seemed like an hour.

I let a heavy sigh out and kept my posture straight, I tilted my head to the right and remembered that I had my check in just last week. He visited me while I was on rounds and we chatted for what seemed like an hour.

 _Everything is fine, why do this?_

"Wait, we did our check in just last week. Why am I here?"

 _It's around 9pm, I am not on duty today._

Reasons kept adding up in my head and it didn't make me feel any better about this impromptu meeting.

"Okay, think of this as a chat. You can leave if you want to, I am not going to force you to stay if you do not want to." He took a sip from his cup, he looked at me as I shifted my weight to my right side.

"Alright, what's up?" I nodded.

"How have you been doing? How is the division treating you?"

"Good, I like it here. It is pretty chill, unlike when I was under Captain Kuchiki. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy…just a little strict."

"I understand that; glad you like it here." He took another sip. "So how are you adjusting? Sleeping?"

His voice went from teasing and playful to serious. I shook my head and let a smile curl onto my lips.

 _I knew it, check in my ass. I know what you are getting at Captain. But I can't just be rude._

"Fine." I shrugged. "Is this why I am here? To have you check in on my sleeping habits?"

"Well…" He trailed off. "No, Tomoya came to me after you guys were on duty and told me you were a little off. As if something was bothering you, he assumed it was the lack of sleep, or at least that what he told me you told him at some point."

 _Lovely; Tomoya you 3_ _rd_ _seat prick._ He is a great guy, guess he's just worried.

Tomoya was a senior member of the division, he's been in the Division for about 7 years. He had the option of moving to another division or even being promoted but he liked serving under Captain Kyoraku and Vice-Captain Ise. Tomoya was the one who was assigned to shadow me while I was on guard duty.

"I am adjusting quite fine. Just having some issues of my own. Nothing I cannot handle." I switched my weight to my left side.

"I know, but that was 3 months ago, I figured you would be adjusted by now." He got up from his desk and stretched his legs.

"I am."

"So what is the issue that is making it hard for you to sleep?"

 _Nightmares, anxiety, depression, you know the usual. Wow, that sounds dark._

"Like I said, just having some trouble of my own." I scratched the back of my neck.

A heavy sigh escaped his lips, he was giving up. "Alright, I can see I'm not going to get anything out of you. Which is fine; but I want you to keep yourself healthy; not just physically but mentally. The last thing I want is to see my little Kat in the infirmary again." He teased.

"Won't happen again. Night Captain." I turned and left his office without another word.

The warm air caressed my face and I welcomed the breath of fresh air that wasn't the Captain's office. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and relaxed my body.

"Just tired?" I heard a deep voice say. I let out the deep breath in the form of a heavy sigh and opened my eyes to see Renji leaning against the wooden balcony outside of my Captain's Office.

"Hi, Renji. Listening in on a private conversation, nosy."

Renji laughed. "No, just curious as to where you ran off to since we were supposed to go out tonight."

 _Right, I was invited out by Rangiku to go out for drinks tonight; while I am not a friend of hers, she invited me out to get to know me better. She was close friends with Renji, so she heard a lot about me from him._

"Whoops. My Captain wanted to have a chat with me."

"It's fine. I spoke with her while I was at the bar with her. She was sad that you couldn't make it, but she figured you had something that called you away. But she really wants you to take a break at some point and hang out with her. Hell, maybe even join the Shinigami Women's Association. What did Kyoraku want to chat about?"

I stretched and started to walk to my room, trying to get away from my Captain's office. Renji followed by my side reminding me of when we first met in the academy.

"He was just wondering about me adjusting to the Division." I shrugged it off.

He sighed. "By adjusting, you mean how are you sleeping?"

"Yeah. It's just annoying. I can function on a few hours of sleep." I waved off the question.

"He's not annoying, he's concerned Kat. Ever since that day when Captain Unohana had you sent to the infirmary because you collapsed." He put his left hand on my shoulder; which brought me to a solid stop in my tracks. "I think you need to understand that he doesn't know a single thing about you aside from what is written in your file. You need to realize that while it seems annoying to you, he just wants to understand what is going on in your head that is keeping you in a state of displeasure. Just like how you jokingly tell me about how Nanao is a challenge for him; you are quite the same. You push him aside and dodge his questions which allows him to continue to push you."

I rolled my eyes and nodded. _Thing is, no one knew about my past, not even Renji. We made a promise, we would not force the other to talk about their past until they were ready. It was easy to see that it bothered us were hard headed, easy to anger, and most of all closed off._

"I know." I left it at that and we continued to walk toward my room in silence.

•••

Outside of her room we stopped, she turned to me and I could see she had something to say. Biting the inside of her cheek and playing with her jet black shoulder length hair.

"You know, I still think about that day."

 _I knew exactly what she was talking about, the day she was cornered, the day these guys tried to…hurt her…rape her…damn, I don't want to think about what could've happened. I charged into them and beat them down with my bare hands, my blood boiling. Those who hurt a woman do not deserve to breathe. I pushed the guys aside and grabbed the one who was pulling at her uniform and punched him in the face; I hit him so hard he hit the floor. I remember that I was pulled off of him by our teachers because I just kept hitting him. His words mumbled because of the blood in his mouth and the tears in his eyes 'sorry', 'stop', 'please', nothing mattered, I just wanted everyone to see him as an example._

"Is that what is bothering you?" I asked seeing the hurt in her eyes, her body language was closed off. She swayed side to side, bringing her hand up to her hair and swirling a black strand around her pointer finger. She couldn't even keep eye contact with me, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"Renji!" A male voice yelled my name.

 _Fuck, I was so close._

Shuuhei showed up and draped his arm around my shoulder. "Yo, you ditched us at the party. What's up?" I could smell the alcohol on his breath, he had enough to drink, more than normal. "Hey, Kat!"

 _Kat…she hated that nickname. But she allowed me to use it, it was my way of getting back at her when she called me pineapple head._

"Vice Captain Hisagi." Her tone cold, distant, she was not happy with him.

He laughed, his face just a bit red. "Come on Kat, we've been friends long enough. No need for the formalities. Come to the party guys."

"I'm good. Night." She opened her door and closed it. Click.

 _Locked_.

I grabbed Shuuhei's arm and flash stepped to the entrance of the 8th division area. "How drunk could you possibly be? We were talking!" I snapped.

"You could've done that at the party! Maybe she would have loosened up more and you could've made your move!"

"I'm done with this," I growled as I took my leave.

 _I was close to seeing what the problem was, so close and he just shows up._


	2. Silence & a Roar

Chapter II: Silence & a Roar

I decided to go to the party for about an hour. Eventually, that hour turned into 3 hours, I found myself leaving at 3am. I wasn't completely drunk but I also wasn't completely sober.

I went to the 8th Division to check on Katsumi. I knew she was uncomfortable and I wanted to explain to her that Shuuhei didn't mean to make her uncomfortable.

I stopped in front of her door, wondering if she was actually awake; I mean it's 3:30am.

 _Maybe her nightmares are keeping her up; maybe she's walking around. Maybe-._

My thoughts interrupted by the deep voice of Captain Kyoraku.

"Abarai, you should go back to your quarters for the night and not hers."

"Sir, it's not like that. I'm just…checking up on her." I turned away from Katsumi's door and saw Kyoraku leaning against the wooden railing just a few feet away from me.

"She didn't go out, so why would you need to check on her?" he questioned his muscular arms crossed over his chest.

I stood silent, unsure how to even respond.

"Nothing sir."

 _Defeated. What more could I say? This already looks suspicious._

He narrowed his eyes at me and scanned me. "You should go to bed; I can smell the sake on your breath."

That comment stung, knowing that if Katsumi smelled it she would have kicked me out. I guess it was for the best that Kyoraku told me to leave.

•••

 _Sleeping was becoming more of a chore then a pleasure, whenever I was on duty I could feel Captain Kyoraku's presence, it was his concern. Or at least that's what I tell myself._

 _It became frustrating to even try to sleep, I tossed and turned, and even closed my eyes and tried to relax my body. Nothing worked._

The sun rose and my eyes were heavy, today was going to suck, I could feel it. My body felt weak and my head hurt as if I had a hangover. I peeled myself off of the bed and turned on my light.

Coffee is all I need, hopefully. I brewed myself a cup as I hopped into the shower and once it was over I had a cup of black coffee in my hands and a towel wrapped around my body.

I turned toward my closet and pulled a pair of black leggings and black backless halter top that reminded me of Captain SoiFon's shihakusho, but mine had long tight sleeves. This was my uniform that I sported on a daily basis and a pair of shoes.

My short black hair was 90 percent dry and it fell in front of my ivory colored face. I groaned as I grabbed a blue hair tie and pulled my hair into a messy ponytail. My bangs fell in front of my face and I let out a groan of frustration and rolled my eyes.

I heard a knock on my door and growled "come in" under my breath. I kept my eyes on the mirror as I messed with my hair to get it to look even remotely better than frizz that it was before.

I saw a tall shadowy figure walking in and closing my door, he cleared his throat in order to capture my attention.

"What do you want Shuuhei?" I groaned looking at him through the mirror.

"Look, the other night I was drunk and I came to apologize for making you uncomfortable. I'm not normally like that and you know that." He rubbed the back of his head and looked down. "Rangiku thought it would be a great idea for me to loosen up since I have tense the last few weeks."

I took his words in and let it settle for a bit, I was still annoyed with him but it could've been worse. I took a deep breath and nodded.

"I realize that you had a rough few weeks, but it made me uncomfortable being around you."

"I apologize, I was just feeling the sake. How are you doing, by the way, the way you were last week...seemed a little off." I felt his gaze on the back of my neck.

"What do you mean?" I turned around and made eye contact with Shuuhei.

"Just according to your body language. I may have been drunk, but I could tell. Being a Vice-Captain I've learned how to tell when someone is uncomfortable. I just could not stop myself soon enough when I approached you."

I swallowed hard and bit my bottom lip, unsure of how to answer that question. "Don't worry about it, it was a conversation between Renji and myself."

 _Unlike Renji, Shuuhei and I did not have the same deal when it came to talking about our past. Shuuhei pressed until I cracked and that drove me off the edge._

I pushed him aside and left my room, I heard him following close behind.

"Katsumi, did Captain Kyoraku ask about your past again?" he questioned.

"Shuuhei stop, I don't want to talk about it." I said in a calm and leveled tone as I kept up my pace. I rubbed the back of my neck trying to push off the headache that was started to become worse; this happened when I was usually on my fourth or fifth day without sleep.

I felt Shuuhei take my left hand and pull me back to a full stop. "What is going on with you? I want to help." He snapped.

"I don't need your help! I don't even know you like that! Just leave it!" I snapped, my voice became louder.

 _Shuuhei only showed his carefree and concerned side when he was with friends and that was always apparent when he was under the influence; but it was always there. We always bumped heads, we had a rocky friendship because of this exact thing. He never learned how to stop putting pressure on me to talk. We became friends through Renji because they were in the same year, but Shuuhei was always business, and very mature._

"Leave it? Are you serious? I can tell it bothers you because just the thought of talking about it puts you on guard. It is so easy to tell that it gets under your skin, the way you look at the ground and completely avoid eye contact. The way you change your body language to make yourself feel defensive when in reality you're only making yourself smaller."

 _And there it was, the worse and best thing about him is that he could read anyone like a book. I could never lie to him or hide anything from him because he would never 'let it go'. It was never simple with Shuuhei, he hated being lied to, being used, and most of all being defenseless. Those were things I learned the hard way._

"Let go of me Shuuhei!" I snapped, struggling against his tight grip. I wriggled my wrist around in his grip feeling the anger just rise in me. "Stop acting like you know me!"

"Stop being **naïve** -" as soon as that word escaped his lips my anger hit its' peak. I became tense and irritated with him, I balled my right hand into a fist and swung at full force. I no longer felt his grip on my wrist, and I watched him slide back and hit the ground.

"What the hell was-" I heard him begin to say before I cut him off.

 _Anger. Irritation. Frustration._

"Don't you ever call me naïve! You have no right to do so! Just because you are Vice-Captain doesn't mean jack shit to me. That apology can be shoved right up your ass because I want nothing to do with you!" I felt my captain's spiritual pressure rise, and I ignored it. "Calling you my friend was a mistake because obviously our friendship means nothing to you for you to use such a word so loosely."

My Captain's spirit pressure rapidly approached the scene as I fled the scene, not because I was afraid of discipline, but because I needed to leave before I started a fight.

There was a river right outside of the Gotei 13 was the most peaceful place I have ever seen. The water was so clear that I was able to watch the fish swim against the flow. Tall trees kept this place hidden.

I sat down on the soft green grass and fell back, I stared up into the partly cloudy sky and took a deep breath, slowly letting the anger leave my body.

 _I haven't been that angry in such a long time, I felt my spirit pressure rise and it made that punch a lot stronger than it needed to be; that's the reason why he flew back. Hell, that's probably the reason Captain Kyoraku was making his way to the scene so quickly._

"Amazing view, is it not?" I heard a male voice say, it was closer than the spiritual pressure led me to believe.

"Vice-Captain Kira. Hello." I said looking behind me.

"You're Shuuhei's friend? Katsumi Nakamura apart of the 8th Division 10th seat?"

" _Friend_ , tch. But I am Katsumi." I looked back at the river.

"My apologies. You're also the one who just struck him down."

"That's not a question, more like a statement. But yes."

"Just getting the facts straight. Shuuhei is going to have quiet the bruise, but he'll be okay."

"Oh, I'm so overjoyed to hear that," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

There was silence, I let out a deep breath. "Sorry."

"I can take it from here Izuru." I heard Captain Kyoraku's voice and I cursed under my breath.

"Right sir." With that simple dismissal from my captain Izuru left.

 _Well…this is going to be interesting, two talks in almost three weeks._

"Can I sit with you Katsumi?"

"Sure," I said as he begins to sit down.

"I'll leave you two alone to speak privately." I heard Captain Ukitake announce before he left.

"So are we finally going to talk or are you going to leave me hanging?" he chuckled.

I stood quiet for a bit. I really can't leave at this point, just imagine how suspicious it'll be if I just got up and left.

"Yeah, I guess. I'm just stressed or anxious. It makes sleeping hard because of the nightmares I've been having." I shrugged playing with the sleeves of my backless shihakusho.

"How do you keep yourself awake? You have to be on day 5 without sleepy thus far."

I left out a nervous laugh and bought my knees to my chest. "Coping has been hard, but it's kept me awake."

I saw his eyes soften as if he understood what I was talking about. "Kat, I know things have been hard and I won't lie to you and tell you I understand; but I will tell you that I am here to talk or even have a drink." He laughed and sat back, his hands planted firmly on the ground. "You know, our minds will always be our worst enemy left unconquered; it will always run amok and cause havoc. However, if you choose to fight back it will be something you can try to ally with in some cases. Things will get harder but with help, it can get easier."

He stood up and reached out to help me up, I hesitated a bit before reaching up and taking his hand; he pulled me up with ease as if I was as light as a feather.

"Take advantage of the sources around you, I am always here for you." He said softly with a smile. "No need to hurt yourself to make you feel alive or awake."

He tipped his hat and left me alone by the river. His last words hit home.

Thank you, Captain.


	3. Doubt

**Chapter III:** Doubt

 _Noun_

 **1**. a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction.

* * *

 _It was strange whenever I looked at Katsumi I saw that her mind was consumed by something else. Something she wouldn't talk about, it was hard to see her like this despite the support she had from her division._

 _The fact that she was detached it made keeping quiet about the conversation Shunsei and I had about her the other day easier on me. He was curious, and I don't blame him._

"How long has she been distant?" Shunsei asked as he walked by my side.

I thought about it for a bit as we walked around the outskirts of the Gotei 13, the brisk night air flew into my face and made me take a deep breath.

"For a while now, ever since I met her." I shrugged. "That seems inaccurate."

"Really? You've known each other for years and she still hasn't opened up to you?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, she has a hard time trusting people. And I know when I first met her that moment didn't help with that for her."

"What happened?"

I explained the story to him, which took me back to a dark place in my life. Back to when I was reckless and fought without restraint. Guess Katsumi never told him this story, in fact, I don't even think it made it to her file. She wanted a clean file, she didn't want anything attached to her name. At least anything that terrible attached to her record; even though it wasn't her fault.

 _There was a silence that went on for minutes, I could see that he was thinking of a way to respond, but how do you reply to someone who just told you something that bad? How do you talk to someone who has been through such a thing?_

"That explains her mistrust of many members of our division. She is just so on edge; I would like to help. But it seems like she's going to have to hit the bottom before she learns how to stand on her own."

"Are you serious? You're going to let her go through that on her own?"

He stopped ahead of me and let out a heavy sigh as he nodded.

"Yes, she knows we are here for her and she knows of her resources. It sounds horrible to let someone go through that on their own, but she isn't. She is struggling to open up to those who want to help. I am not going to lie to you and tell you that I am not worried about her well-being. I've seen the scars, and I've heard her crying. I just want her to reach out and get the help she needs because if we continue to force it on her, she isn't going to take that help." He turned around and faced me, his eyes met mine and I felt my chest tighten. "Do you understand?"

 _He's right, I can talk to her and talk to her until I can no longer breathe and she won't listen. I don't want to see her fall, but I guess we are just going to have to be there for her when it happens._

"I understand sir."

•••

"Hey, Renji!" I heard her shout from down the hall. I turned around and saw her running toward me with a smile on her face.

 _That has to be fake, right?_

"What's up, Kat?"

"I got a favor to ask you." She stopped in front of me and had her hands behind her back.

"I'm not going to help you fight Shuuhei." I laughed.

She giggled.

 _This cannot be real, that laugh, smile, a natural color on her face, perky voice. What is this?_

"No silly, I mean eventually I'll kick his ass. But that's not what I wanted to ask, I want to fight you."

She poked my chest with her pointer finger.

"Why?"

"For fun. Come on." She took my hand and we ran.

 _What happened? This doesn't seem real. I haven't seen her smile in what seems like years. What happened that she is suddenly acting like this._

In my daze of confusion I ignored where she was taking me, I knew it was a training dojo but I didn't know where. I looked around at the underground training area and noticed it was outside of the Gotei 13. It reminded me a lot of the dojo beneath Urahara's shop in the Real World.

"Ready?" She asked as she got into fighting stance.

I readied myself and brought out Zambimaru in his sealed state. She launched herself forward; I got ready to block an attack but she flipped over me and I quickly turned around to face her.

"Hado 54: Haien." I heard her say, the purple spirit energy formed and went straight for me; I quickly dodged and looked at her in confusion.

"When did you learn how to use Haien?"

"Vice-Captain Kira taught me a few things." she replied with a sly smile.

I could see that it weakened her because Haien was a high ranked kido. Normally it would have weakened her considerably but she must have been training with him for a while.

I smiled and ran toward her, she studied me but I flash stepped out of sight and to her right where there was an opening to attack.

"Seki." she said quickly jumping back a few feet as Zabimaru clashed with the round shield which cracked with the amount of pressure I put on it. With the destruction of the shield it caused dirt from the rocky battleground to rise, giving me coverage to attack. As I ran forward I saw her come out of cloud of dirt.

"What the fuck?" Zabimaru clashed with her zanpakto and I saw a smile appear on her face. She jumped and flipped back.

"Sho."

I jumped back a few feet and jumped up for her. Our zanpaktos clashed once again.

"I see you haven't had a chance to purchase a new glasses yet. You always cover up your tattoos on your forehead."

"Yeah, still saving up for a pair."

"Shame. I think you look cute without them." she teased.

I felt my face get hot. I dropped my guard for a second and she used that to her advantage and launched another kido.

"Shakkahou."

At close range, the kido knocked me back about 15 feet. I charged forward to attack, caught off guard I managed to cut a bit of her back.

"You should never turn your back to an enemy."

Our Zanpaktos clashed once again and I could see she enjoyed the fight. But the more she used her kido the more it took a toll on her physically. She was getting tired but she pressed on.

"Let me ask you something. Why did you think hurting yourself was the way to go?"

I could see she was taken off guard but nonetheless she tried to hide it.

"It kept me awake and it kept the nightmares away. I know this sounds sick but it kept me alive." She shrugged it off and swung her zanpakto at my chest causing me to swiftly dodge it.

"What do you mean when you say it helped you stay alive?"

"When I was in the academy I was always in a daze. It was hard for me to focus and concentrate. I was always stuck trying to figure out what the hell happened in the past. But that was nothing but a distraction so it helped snap me back into reality."

I looked at her and not only could I see the physical exhaustion but also the mental exhaustion. She was breathing heavy and her green eyes were watery. Despite the fact that she was tired she charged forward, I blocked with Zabimaru and pushed her back causing her to slide back a few feet, she lost her balance and fell onto the floor.

I ran to her side and saw the frustration in her eyes. The dirt on her face showed that she tried hard.

"In all honesty, I gave up a lot of hope when I was in the academy. But I really wanted to make it, make it into a division and prove everyone wrong. Prove to myself that I can always go forward so long as I tried."

 _She had all the willpower to go forward but she was always being dragged down by her own problems._

I picked her up off the ground, our eyes locked and she tickled the palm of my right hand with her fingers. I smiled and put my arm around her and brought her closer to me. She laughed and pushed me away and flash stepped.

"Come on let's race, last one back to my room has to buy drinks later on." she yelled.

I nodded and flash stepped forward pushing to hopefully catch up to her and make her nervous. _To be honest I wouldn't mind buying the drinks tonight so long as she was happy._ As I got closer and saw her just a few feet away from me, I saw Kat bump into Shuuhei and fall onto the floor.

 _Fuck._

•••

"Sorry." I heard the girl I just knocked back say.

I shook off the initial dizziness and looked at the ivory skinned girl with her black hair in a messy ponytail. She looked up at me and I met with the big green eyes of Katsumi.

"Hey, Kat are you okay?" I heard Renji shout as he ran over to us.

"Yeah, I'm good." She groaned.

I reached out to pick her up off the ground, she slapped my hand away and jumped up.

"Hisagi." Even her saying my name stung because of how much venom it was laced with.

"Katsumi…" I let out a heavy sigh and looked at her. Her face and uniform were covered in dirt from fighting with Renji who sported a dirty uniform as well. "I'm sorry."

"For?" She hissed.

"For calling you naïve, for forcing you to talk, I was out of line."

"No shit." I saw her roll her eyes.

"Sumi, I'm trying here." I almost begged.

 _Sumi…haven't used that nickname in such a long time. If she slapped me, I honestly wouldn't complain. I know she hates nicknames._

"Really? Cause it doesn't seem like it." She had her arms folded over her chest.

"Come on, let me take you out for drinks tonight. My treat."

"A little late for that." She let out a small laugh. "I'm busy tonight."

"With who? Doing what?" I could not stop myself during the sentence and it sounded horrible.

"With me, we are going to hang out and celebrate the fact she beat me in a race." Renji said as he approached the conversation.

"Okay, fair enough."

Honestly, it didn't surprise me that Katsumi beat him in a race, she was agile and flexible. Seeing how happy she was when she was with Renji, made me feel like she was leaving me in the dust.

"I know I've apologized twice to you on two different occasions."

•••

Shuuhei was gone and Kat rolled her eyes. "At least he is trying."

"I know."

It started to rain heavily as we kept trying to make our way back to our rooms. We stopped at Renji's room first, at least to take cover from the rain before I went to back to my room.

"Alright, let me get you a towel." He said taking notice of the fact that I was shivering.

I stood in the middle of his condo, shivering, looking around his room taking notice to the fact that it was actually clean and not a mess. He came back with a towel draped over his head, his long red hair covering parts of his face. He headed me a towel and smiled, I took it and reached up to untie the ribbon that was stuck in my hair due to the rain tangling my hair. I groaned and growled until Renji walked over and took my hands and set them by my sides.

"Relax, relax." He said as he missed with the ribbon and handed it to me. "Happy now?"

He draped the towel over my head and wiped away the excess water that was dripping down my cheeks. I pushed him away and backed away from him.

"Come on stop it." I whined with a smile on my face.

"Stop what?" he smiled and hugged me.

"Are you ready for a drink?"

"Sounds like a plan."

 _We went out for a drink and it felt like Renji had something on his mind that was occupying him the whole night. Course he never actually bought it up, he just kept it to himself._


	4. Reaching

**Chapter IV: Reaching**

 _Despite the fact that I was struggling with accepting Shuuhei's apology, I decided to meet with him. There was a growing distance between myself and Renji, and it was starting to become a lot more painful than I anticipated. Pairing those feelings with the fact that I was back on track for sleepless nights; I was going back into my shell of closing off._

I took a sip of my cranberry and vodka drink and gazed out onto the lifeless street. _It's Friday where is everyone? I'm so used to seeing members of the Gotei 13 who aren't on duty hanging out in town. Or at least at the bar._

"What's on your mind?" I heard Shuuhei ask.

"Just struggling with a friendship." I let out a nervous laugh. "That sounds so funny because I only have a few friends."

"Well I wouldn't say it sounds funny, but I know that you're being sarcastic. What's the issue?" he took a sip of his drink and turned his chair to look at me.

"Growing apart, I guess." I shrugged.

The bar was dead, only a few souls lurking, drinking, chatting, but it isn't as packed as I thought it would be. I took my gaze off my drink and saw Shuuhei gazing into his drink.

"We both have our demons," he began "When I was younger, my friends and I got attacked by a hollow. They all…died with the exception of two. I was saved by my captain. From that day on I trained hard to make sure that never happened again. I am grateful to Kensei, he saved me."

This was the first time I heard this story and I'm not sure how to react, it honestly brought up feelings of pain as I heard him speak. There was a sadness in his voice, something I never expected of him. I watched him down his drink, I finished mine off and turned to him.

"Let's go for a walk." He left the money and tip on the bar and left the bar.

I followed behind him, we walked in silence as we made our way around town. Every shop was closed. Homes barely lit because their owners were asleep, the streets covered in a warm orange light due to the dim street lights.

"I still remember the night we stood up all night talking." Shuuhei broke the silence.

 _That was the first time I cried in front of someone, Renji never witnessed me cry, I made sure no one did._

"When you left the tent you slept in, you had tears in your eyes. Even though you denied you were crying, I knew it. I asked a few times if you were okay and you lied saying 'I'm fine'. I knew from that moment on you were going to give me a hard time, you were just as stubborn as Renji." He laughed. "I remember you were struggling to ask me if you could stay up with me."

I smiled. "You intimidated me."

"How so, my class standing in the academy?" he chuckled.

"Yeah, believe it or not. You also looked so serious and…" I trailed off. "And in my first few weeks in the academy, I was taken advantage of by a group of upperclassmen."

There was an uncomfortable silence. "I…I didn't know about that. I'm sorry Sumi."

"Renji is the only one who knows." _I want to get off this topic so badly._ "Please keep telling your story."

•••

I looked at her and saw her playing with her black hair that was covering her face. I nodded and did as she requested.

"In all reality, I was supposed to make sure no one stood up, but I made an exception for you. Just from the way you asked to stay up with me, if I told you no, I felt as if I would be sentencing you to some sort of prison. The smile that appeared on your face when we started to talk about my love for cooking, your love for photography, and our love for music, was priceless."

I found my face getting warm. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a smile appear on her face. _Seeing her smile helped me; because I knew I was doing something right in our relationship…as friends. Right, just friends._

"How's guitar going?" she chimed in.

"Great, how's photo?"

She shrugged and didn't say anything.

"What about the 8th Division? How are they treating you?"

There was silence. _No, we were doing so well._

"I think I'm going to leave." She said quietly as she stopped and turned around in the middle of the silent streets.

"Don't…" I said. "I don't want you to feel this way when you go back."

 _I don't want her to go back and feel as if she is alone, I've been there. I don't want her to feel as though she needs to do it all on her own. I did and I wish I had people who pulled me from the shit that going on in my head. I blamed myself for the death of my friends. But I won't let her blame herself. I know she hates me for what has happened between us but I can't see her go through it._

"Feeling what way? I'm okay." She said as she kept walking.

"Sumi, stop. Don't hide what you're feeling. I know it is easier said than done, but it's not going to help."

"I don't want to speak about something that has happened in the past, it's in the past for a reason. Why talk about something when it is in the past, no one is going to listen." She voice cracked and I felt it pull at my heart.

 _Fuck. Don't cry. Please._

She started to pace. "It's all in the past, why is it bothering me. Fuck if I know."

I walked up to her and took her hand into mine. "Listen, you need to put yourself first, that means putting your health first. Take care of yourself."

Katsumi's wrist was exposed and I saw what I thought was just a rumor, a bandaged wrist. Her hand started to shake, she was nervous, she started to bounce her right knee as she stood still.

"It's okay." I said.

"But…"

"No need to explain yourself."

 _Who else knew, Kyoraku, Renji, and myself?_ _She's fallen so many times and continues to get up, but how many times will she fall victim to her own mind?_

"You've probably heard this speech before. But if you ever need help don't hesitate to ask for it. Friends and captains are here to help, granted Kyoraku treats you like a child sometimes but it is his way of making you feel at home. Renji and I will do our best to be here for you whenever you need us. You just need someone to lean on at times and that is what your friends are good for."

She wrapped her arms around my waist, her head resting on my chest. My heart began to race, I smiled as I looked down at her as I wrapped my hands around her bringing her body closer to mine.

 _Sometimes we are happy for just one moment and in that one moment we forget everything we have been through. We let it slip away and just embrace the happy moment. We stop thinking about what is to come and what can happen. For that one moment, we believe everything will be better, and we have hope that everything will be okay. I believe that everything will be okay, that she'll be okay once I let go. That she will ask for help and continue to smile. But as I start to feel a bit of negativity come back I realize that she is stubborn. But somewhere deep inside as I pull her closer to me I hope she'll prove me wrong._

I heard her sniffle. "It's okay."

 _Everything will be okay so long as we make the happy moments last. So long as we do not slip into the darkness, and if we do we must dig our way out in hopes of being happy once again._


	5. Holds Scars & Heavy Sighs

**Chapter V: Holds Scars & Heavy Sighs**

 _The distance between Renji and myself grew, while it got smaller with Shuuhei. I couldn't understand why all of a sudden Renji was just distancing himself from me. Maybe I am missing something that I was supposed to acknowledge._

"Kat, it's time to get up!" I heard Rangiku chime in as she burst through my apartment doors.

"What the fuck?" were the only words that came from my lips.

"Come on get up!" She stood over me, I pulled the covers over my head and growled.

"How did you get into my apartment?" I growled underneath the sheets.

"You know, it isn't hard to coax your Captain to give me a key." I felt the blankets slowly being moved.

"Don't you dare." I growled gasping onto the covers for my life.

Rangiku yanked the covers off of my bed and looked at me with a big smile. I curled into a ball as the cold air from my room embraced my warm body. "Come on sleeping beauty. Its' noon and the party is in five hours."

I flipped over and covered my head in pillows.

 _This party was something I regret agreeing to right now, it was mandatory for all to attend. Aki Matsuri, literally translated to Fall Festival. This was something that I agreed to when I was nowhere near sober in Rangiku's presence. Over the last two weeks, Rangiku and I have become friends; she's the type of lady that loves to drink and lazing around. Apparently, Renji and Shuuhei spoke a lot about me around her, which does not surprise me because they were good friends with her. She was always the one that encouraged them to go out._

"I don't want to go; I change my mind." I groaned.

"You cannot change your mind last minute." I peeked through a small space in my pillows and looked at her. Her blue eyes showed sadness, and her perfect glossed lips showed a beautiful pout.

"Fuck." I peeled myself off of the bed and looked at her, my blankets in her left hand and her right hand on her hip. I stood up and stretched. "Fine, I'm up."

"Great, now let's get ready in my quarters. Your dress, shoes, and stuff are in my room." She perked up as she placed my blankets on my bed.

"Wait, what?" I thought this was casual, you didn't tell me I needed to get dressed up!" My faced showed disgust as I thought about dressing up.

She grabbed my left hand and already started to drag me out of my room. She locked my door and smile, and I shivered in my oversized hoodie and sweatpants. She flash-stepped and we were outside her quarters. "Look, it won't kill you to have some fun, you do way to much work. You're just like Captain Hitsugaya. Where are your girlfriends?"

"Don't have any." I mumbled.

"Well, then you should join the SWA when you finish at the party." She cheered as she opened the door to her large quarters.

The wall of sweet perfume hit my face like a ton of bricks, it is like I just walked into a flower shop with nothing but sweet smelling roses and a bakery right next door. It smelled oddly sweet, like cake but also flowers. I didn't know how to process the smell, but I shrugged it off.

The apartment wasn't as clean as mine, but what did I expect. Empty wine and sake bottles lied next to the living room area, fancy dresses covered her king size bed, and numerous colors of shoes piled next to it.

"Alright, so the plan is for you to take a shower, and then you are going to come out without a fight and let me dress you up." She said with a devious smile.

"One, I can dress myself. And two I haven't eaten yet." I said my sentence laced with sass.

"I know you can cutie, but I don't trust you to do this. Plus I have items picked out for you already. And to answer your second question, Captain Ukitake dropped off some bakery goods just an hour ago, so they are still warm. No, excuse to leave."

I groaned and went to her bathroom.

"Plus I know you want to look cute for Shuuhei…or maybe it is Renji." I heard her tease.

"Excuse me?" I snapped, my face red with anger and embarrassment.

"Nothing for you to get angry over, just mean it in the sense that you always spend your time with them. So I figured you were dating one of them, I may be their friend but they don't trust me with relationship statues, I think they talk to the guys about it." Even in her voice. I could sense she was pouting.

"I am not dating anyone, and I'm not even sure if I want to." I said as I took my clothes off and turning on the warm water from the shower.

"Honestly, you cannot help who falls for you." She replied, she was doing her makeup, her makeup vanity was right in front of the bathroom door, which made this conversation easy.

"I don't understand." I replied as I wet my hair and put her coconut shampoo into my black pass shoulder length hair.

"I mean, they would do anything for you; they truly care for you. Shuuhei maybe hard headed and a bit of an asshole sometimes, he truly does have a good heart. I can see that he really cares for you. The same with Renji, while he maybe distancing himself from you; but you trust him with a lot. Especially because; you don't open up easily." I could sense her sadness in her voice as she reflected on her own life.

I stood quiet, my shower nearing the end. "I'm just saying. You have a great set of friends." I heard her end.

I finished with my shower and exited the bathroom with a matching set of cream laced underwear, and a robe to cover up. She got up from her vanity and motioned me to take a seat. I looked at her face, she had put on her whole face, a dark brown smoky eye. Her lips still nude, I guess she was waiting until it was time to leave to decide a color to put on her lips.

I took a seat and watched her work. This was possibly the longest I ever took to get ready. Rangiku combed my wet hair and blew it dry, once that was done she curled it with a curling iron. While she waited for my hair to cool down she worked on my makeup. I had my eyes closed for most of it.

"Okay, open." I opened my green eyes and saw gold eyeshadow coated my lids with a hint of a peachy pink. My long eyelashes coated with two coats of mascara. I had a warm color pink blush on my cheeks and a highlight that looked as bright as a star. My hair was loosely curled and just a tad bit messy.

"On the bed is your dress." The pile of clothes that were there when I first arrived were gone and a white dress was lying on the bed. I took off the robe that covered my body and slipped into the dress. She tied up the pink ribbon that was connected to a corset.

I looked in the mirror and saw all the details this dress had to offer. It fit like a glove, the dress was strapless, a sweetheart neck line gave the dress an innocent look while still looking sexy, showing off just a bit of my 42D chest. The back had a deep cut that showed my whole back similar to my uniform, but the pink ribbon crisscrossed all the way down my back. The sides of the dress were cut out which allowed my hips to peak through, but white lace kept it conservative. Being a circle dress, whenever I spun around the dress came up a little bit.

"Wow, this is beautiful." I smiled at her.

"No problem, I am glad you like it." She smiled back. "Just don't go crying on me an messing up your makeup. Now can you zip me up?" She turned around and showed me the zipper to a plain black floor length dress, that has a cut running all the way up her right thigh about six inches before her hips began. I helped her zip up and took a deep breath.

"It's going to be okay, I promise you. If you don't feel comfortable let me know." She handed me a pair of nude pumps, that bought my height to 5'9" adding six inches of height.

"I don't know about this. I just, don't know if I can do this."

A knock on Rangiku's door broke me out of my daze. "You'll be fine; Kat. Breathe with me." She led me through some normal breathing exercises. I nodded as she went to open her door. I peered over her shoulder and saw, Renji, Shuuhei, 3rd Seat Ikkaku Madarame, and 5th Seat Yumichika Ayasegawa in black suits with a white button down shirts.

"My, my you both look stunning." Yumichika said. "Nice to meet you, darling, I'm Yumichika Ayasegawa."

"Nice to meet you, Katsumi Nakamura." I said softly.

"I know, we've heard a lot about you from these gentlemen." He motioned to Renji and Shuuhei who both gave a soft smile.

"Hey, Kat, good to see ya again." I heard Ikkaku call as he sat on Rangiku's leather sofa.

I nodded and looked over to Rangiku who rubbed my back to keep me calm.

"I need to go back to my room." I mumbled, my breathing quicken.

I heard Rangiku say what, but I still left her room. I struggled with the keys to unlock my door and when I did, I slammed it shut, sliding down the door to the wooden floor.

••••

"I'll go get her." I said walking toward the door.

"I'm going with you." I heard Renji call.

 _I didn't even try to fight him on it, she was his friend as much as she was mine._

I knocked on her door and she opened it struggling to put bracelets on that would cover her scars.

"Why are you guys here?"

"Just wanted to see if you're okay." I said softly, knowing if I said anything else she would slam the door in my face.

"You don't need to do damage control all the time. I'm fine, I am capable." She snapped.

"You don't need the bracelets, Kat." Renji called behind me.

"I want them." She struggled to take some off, she was layering them to order to cover most of the scars. She growled. "Fuck it! I don't want to go!"

 _She's tense, her spirit pressure is fluctuating like a roller coaster and you can see her light purple spirit energy seeping out of her. She's breaking._

"Can you guys leave." She snapped, her spirit pressure was so strong it slammed the door in my face.

"What do you want to do?" I heard Renji ask.

"Are you serious? We just barge in, let Rangiku talk to her."

"She doesn't know about her _problems._ "

"Don't say it like that Renji. It is normal for people to suffer from depression." I said snapping at him for making her seem like she was a basket case. "She obviously doesn't want us here."

"You don't know what you're doing." Renji pushed past me and went to knock on her door. I grabbed his arm and pushed him against the wall.

"Stop Renji, she doesn't want to be bothered."

Renji pushed me off and glared at me. "What the hell is your problem?"

"Listen, I don't care if you've known her since the academy. She doesn't want us here. Can't you feel her spirit pressure!"

"Do whatever the fuck you want. Go ahead with your plan." He snapped.

I let out a heavy sigh and went back to Rangiku's apartment. As soon as I opened her door she questioned me.

"Where is Renji?" she questioned.

"I'm here." He coughed, his hair messed up.

"She kicked your ass didn't she." I stated sarcastically.

"Fuck off." He fixed his hair.

"Christ, I'll handle it. Shuuhei come with me."

••••

I heard a soft knock on my door and struggled to say come in.

"Hey, Katsumi." I looked at Rangiku who sat on the edge of the bed with me. "What's wrong?"

"Feeling sick." I answered truthfully.

"Anxiety is kicking your butt?" she smiled.

I nodded and clutched the end of my dress as if I wanted to cry.

"Hey, hey, hey." She said softly taking my hands. "Don't cry. It's not worth it. You look beautiful and I'm not just saying that. You're making yourself sick by spending time with your thoughts."

I nodded, she was right.

"Now, do you still want to go?" she asked honestly.

I nodded.

"Shuuhei, come in." she said, in came Shuuhei with a smile on his face and hands behind his back.

"Okay, now you already know what I'm going to say. But take good care of her tonight." She pushed him toward me as she left my room.

Shuuhei extended his hand to me with a warm smile on his face. "Come on." I slowly reached out and took his hand, he pulled me off the bed. I stood in front of him, despite the fact I was wearing six-inch heels, he was still taller than me.

We arrived at the venue and haven't spoken a word to each other, it felt strange. The venue was filled with all Captains, Vice Captains, and officers of every division. The venue was huge, it had marble floors, white cloaked tables along the sides, with black cushioned chairs, the center piece of each tabled ranged from flowers of each division, the walls lined with paintings, and pictures of the landscape around the Soul Society. Everyone was mingling in the middle of the room, people who I recognized were Captain Kyoraku talking to Captain Ukitake, Captain Kuchiki, and many others. I noticed Rangiku being a social butterfly talking to everyone.

I backed up into Shuuhei due to so much activity going on. "Don't be shy." he whispered. I gripped his hand tightly and he smiled. "This event is held every year. You've never been to one?"

"No, I'm always out taking care of a mission."

"This is a festival we try to do once a year, it is a way to celebrate the end of Fall."

"That's strange, why even celebrate the end of Fall?"

"I don't know, but it has been a tradition for a very long time."

Shuuhei snaked his left arm around my waist and brought me closer to him. I looked up and saw Captain Kyoraku look at me and a wide grin appeared on his face as he started to walk towards us. This was honestly the first time I have seen my Captain dressed up in a suit, over the pink vest piece was a black jacket, guess he always had to have some sort of pink.

"I want to leave." I whispered to Shuuhei.

"Why?"

"Please don't make me stay. I'm a wreck." I whimpered.

"You look beautiful." his words gave me goosebumps; my face became red which earned a chuckled from Shuuhei.

"My, my Katsumi you look lovely." Captain Kyoraku called as he got closer.

His voice sent shivers up my spine, I bit my bottom lip and turned to him. Rubbing my bare wrist with the exception of a gold bracelet with colorful gems on my left wrist, and a charm bracelet on my right. Shuuhei had convinced me I didn't need all of the bracelets.

"Thank you, Captain Kyoraku." I gave him a soft smile.

"You know this is the first time I've seen you in a dress. It reminds me a lot of Nanao." he sighed with that Vice-Captain Ise appeared and hit Captain Kyoraku, I gasped and looked at him.

"Aw, don't be that way lovely Nanao." he teased his voice playful.

Captain Kyoraku looked at my wrist and looked at me in the eyes. "Don't worry about tonight. Try to have fun."

He left us and continued to bother Vice Captain Ise while Captain Ukitake shook his head.

••••

From across the room, I saw Renji glaring at me, I shook my head and looked back at Katsumi who tried to seem comfortable in her clothes.

 _Even though her Captain reassured her, she was still nervous._ _She looks perfect tonight, even though her eyes are clouded with sadness she still tried to act as if she was happy._

Katsumi let go of my hand and started to walk away from me, disappearing into the crowd. I followed her and tried to make my way through.

I saw her on the balcony looking up at the night sky, I approached her quietly.

"You want to talk?" I asked her.

"No, I'm alright. You should go in and have fun." She said with a smile. "I just got a bit overwhelmed."

"But I have fun with you around." I smiled and took her hand into mine.

••••

Music started to come from the venue, it sounded a lot like Love in the Ice by DBSK a Japanese boy band I remember listening to while I was in the Real World. I looked into the venue and some couples started to slow dance together.

"Want to dance?" Shuuhei asked.

I blushed and looked down. "I don't know how."

"Just follow my lead."

His hands around my waist and my hands drape on Shuuhei's shoulders resting my head on his chest. Foot movement was very minimal the only time we actually moved our feet was to turn, the song was what Rangiku called a "Hug and sway" song, meaning it is just a way to have people be close to each other.

••••

 _Something about her really made me happy, this was never planned, unless Rangiku thought this all out. I don't know what she is trying to do, but Kat was starting to become a permanent part of my life._

 _Then my thoughts left my tongue  
in speeches I had never planned._

 _My brain wanders into a happier place_


	6. Derailed

**Chapter VI: Derailed**

Tossing and turning in bed, I looked over to my right side and saw the moonlight caressing Shuuhei's sleeping face. I quietly got out of bed, put on comfortable shoes, and a thick knitted scarf.

 _I'll be back…maybe._

The cold Winter air hit my face, I bought the oversized hoodie close to my body, my legs warm due to the sweatpants I slept in. I made my way out of the Gotei 13 and toward the Rukongai.

 _Just need to walk it off._

I bit down on my bottom lips, the numbers grew higher and I found myself in a darker part of the Rukongai. The number of houses dwindled and the number of homeless increased. Crying of children for their parents, for food, warmth, a home. I closed my eyes tightly trying to keep my breathing steady.

 ** _Take me with you._**

My feet started to guide me, rounding corners, and down dark streets.

"Hey beautiful, you know where you're going?" I heard a deep voice call.

I ignored it, just some older man trying to find his next victim. Disgusting.

"I'm talking to you." His voice grew closer, angier.

"Fuck off." I mumbled.

"I said I'm talking to you!" he shouted as he attempted to grab my hand.

"Leave me alone!" I snapped.

"You're even more beautiful when you're angry." He said taking my hand into his dirty hands. I pushed him back.

"Back off." I warned getting into my fighting stance.

A wide smile appeared on his face, his eyes dark, they made my skin crawl. He ran toward me, I dodged and tripped him.

"You're gonna use your fancy reaper powers on me, bitch?"

I growled annoyed with having to deal with him.

 ** _Help me, Kat._**

I shut my eyes tightly, trying to focus on this street battle. When I opened my eyes, his foot went straight for my stomach, it was too late to dodge so I slid to the left, his right fist closing in on my face, I took the hit and shook it off.

"You aren't shit."

I allowed him to come closer before flipping over him and delivering a quick hit to his head causing him to fall to the ground stunned. I checked his pulse…still alive and breathing…

"Katsumi." I heard my name being called in the distance

"Fuck." I mumbled, I ignored it and kept pushing myself to find out what I was looking for.

 ** _Kat, come back. I don't want to be alone._**

"Katsumi!" I heard my name again, I stopped, turned around, and saw Shuuhei.

 _ **Would you stop running away! This is your fault! It is always your fault. You're always the problem.**_

"Would you stop running?"

Shuuhei echoed the voice in my head causing me to snap. "I'm not running!"

"Kat?" his voice softened as he approached me. "Hey, Katsumi."

I closed my eyes tightly and stopped in my tracks, my heart racing, his footsteps booming in my ear as he approached me even though he was walking lightly. I backed away from him just wanting to be in my own head.

 _Scared? No. Afraid? No…at least I don't think so._

"What's going on?" I heard him say softly.

The voice in my heard echoing as I tried to sort between reality and the hell that was going on.

 _This can't be real. No this isn't real…_

 ** _If you didn't leave me alone...maybe I would be with you. But you ran away like you always do. Cause you can't face your own problems._**

"Leave me alone." I said under my breath

"Kat, can you hear me?"

I can feel my spirit pressure rising.

 _Just leave me alone. Please. I'm not asking for much._

"You need to calm down." He was getting closer to me.

•••

I felt her spirit pressure rise, she was having one of those spirit pressure attacks, or whatever she called it. I saw Shuuhei approaching her rather slowly, I shook my head and flash stepped to her side and quickly wrapped my arms around her. I could feel her spirit pressure trying to push me away.

"I know you hear me, Kat, just listen to my voice. You need to not listen to that voice. It's not real."

"What the fuck?" I heard Shuuhei question.

Her spirit pressure getting stronger as I tighten my grip.

"Katsumi! You need to come back to us, it's not real!" My words weren't penetrating her.

"Shuuhei get someone from the 4th Division. Tell them it's Katsumi Nakamura." I commanded.

"What?" he questioned in shock over my appearance.

"Just do it!" I snapped.

In a blink of an eye, he was gone.

She was unresponsive to my words, nothing I said or was going to say was going to help her snap out of this state. I knew this for a fact, I have the just let her ride it out.

Her spirit pressure was strong enough to loosen my grip, I was pushed back about 15 feet. Shuuhei came back with an officer of the 4th Division just as Katsumi let out her final wave of energy. She dropped to her knees and then onto her side eventually passing out.

"What's going on?" Shuuhei questioned.

"This doesn't concern you." I stated coldly.

"Abarai, sir. I'll be taking her back to the 4th Division. Please seek her out there." The muscular 4th Division officer stated as he picked her up and left my sight.

"The hell you mean it doesn't concern me? I'm-"

"What are you to her?" I cut him off. "The person who insulted her, the person who made her feel attacked. In my eyes, you mean nothing to her other than someone who is only going to use her for her body and then leave her like you did Rangiku."

"What are you talking about?" Shuuhei snapped.

"You're only going to cause her more of a headache than needed." I dismissed myself and made my way back to the 4th Division.

 _Use and abuse her for your own pleasure._

* * *

 **AN:** I know it is up late, I had exams and essays due.


	7. Holding onto Hope

**Chapter VII: Holding onto Hope**

I stretched and stared out the wooden framed window, waiting for a squad officer to come back to tell me about what could possibly be happening. No, that's not the reason why. I'm waiting to give an explanation to the officer who is in charge of her.

"Vice-Captain Abarai." I heard a woman state, I turned my attention to the girl with shoulder length pale pink hair, dark chocolate eyes, and olive colored skin. She smiled and motioned me over to sit down in the office. I shook my head because I had been sitting in the waiting room for about six hours.

"Yumi, right?" I asked

"Yeah…" She smiled. "You remember me?"

"Course, you were a graduating academy member the year I came in."

She excelled at healing kido, guess that's why she was placed here. She was also Katsumi's caring officer when this happened before.

"Well, I guess that makes the introductions short. And my job easier." She cleared her throat. "Can you tell me what triggered this?"

I shook my head. "No, I wasn't with her when it happened. I felt her Spirit Pressure when I was on duty and figured I would check it out."

She nodded as she took notes. "You're still close friends correct?"

I nodded.

"Good. I'm going to ask a few questions that weren't available in her file as she came into the academy."

Again I nodded. "Okay, any family?"

"That I know of, no."

"Medications?"

I shook my head.

"Past traumatic events?"

I stood quiet and switched my weight from my left foot to my right.

"Vice-Captain, this is important because it helps us build her file and helps us figure out what could have triggered this." She stated, her gaze was serious and intense.

"It doesn't pertain to this, though." I said with a sigh.

"Even so, any bit of information helps."

 _Fuck._

"It happened a few years ago. It was back when we were members in the academy. She was assaulted by a few older male students."

"When you say assaulted, do you mean physically or sexually?" she asked.

"Not sure. I was there to stop it before they could proceed to do anything sexually. So I think it was just physical."

"Okay, any prior mental issues?"

"Not sure to be honest, maybe depression and anxiety." I shrugged.

She continued to jot down notes. She started to speak before she lifted her face from her clipboard. "Now, I doubt you know this but it doesn't hurt to ask. Is she still a virgin?"

I felt my face get hot with embarrassment and then with anger thinking about Shuuhei.

"I'm not sure." I said shaking my head.

"Alright, thank you Vice-Captain." She nodded and dismissed herself.

I brought my attention back to the window and saw Shuuhei enter the building and talk to the receptionist, I overheard the conversation.

"What room is Katsumi Nakamura in?"

"You cannot see her Vice-Captain Hisagi, you aren't family nor are you on her immediate contact list. You also aren't one of her superiors." The young male said.

"Are you serious? Do I have to be in order to see her?"

"Yes sir, it is protocol."

"Who has permission to see her?" Shuuhei growled running his hand through his hair.

"Renji Abarai, Captain Kyoraku, and Vice-Captain Ise."

I could tell that hearing my name got him angry, I chuckled.

"Why Abarai?" he questioned.

I walked over to Shuuhei and pulled him away from the now frightened officer. "Because I am her friend. What are you doing here Shuuhei?"

"I want to see her." He snapped.

"She's not awake yet. She needs to rest."

"Is she going to be okay?" he asked putting his anger aside.

"Yeah." I said.

"Thank goodness." He breathed.

•••

 _Is any of this for real or not?_

My head spinning, I opened my eyes and saw the streets of Rukongai. I rubbed my head and looked around.

"Renji? Shuuhei?" I called out to the empty street.

 _Where did they go, I remember them being here and…and…shit, I don't remember._

I stood up slowly and looked around. I saw a figure staring at me before turning their back to me and walking down a dark alley.

I _t's stupid to follow whatever the hell that is, or who that is but I have to._ I went to grab my Zanpakto only to grab the air. _Gone. Lovely. Kido it is._

As I went down the dark alley, I used Shakkaho as a source of light. As the medium sized red ball lit up my surrounding areas I saw houses were destroyed.

In the distance the figured looked at me, it's face looked feminine, the body small and frail. I started to back away from it, unsure of the unsettling presence this being gave me. As I started to get further back it started to get closer, flash stepping closer and closer, then gone. I looked around frantically, my Shakkaho slowly went out.

"What the fuck? This isn't supposed to happen." I started to panic as I tried to summon another orb. A small one appeared and disappeared.

"Why did you leave?" I heard a low female voice whisper in my ear, the voice sent a shiver up my spine. I spun around and quickly punched the source of the voice. But nothing was behind me. My heart began to race, I started to sprint back to the central street.

"Alone to survive. To die. On the streets." The voice got closer again, hands grabbed my hair and pulled me to the ground.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shouted.

The cold hands wrapped around my throat and started to choke me. The figure had a hollow mask on their face resembling a wolf, cracks along the forehead and mouth.

"You did this to me! To us!" it shouted at me as I struggled for air beneath its' grip.

"HELP!" I managed to choke out.

•••

"Emergency in room 4H." One of the nurses shouted as she ran down the hall.

"Fuck that's Kat's room!" I pushed Shuuhei aside and followed the nurse.

"Someone call Vice-Captain Kotetsu!" Another nurse from the room shouted.

"Abarai you cannot be in here." The same male officer who delivered Katsumi to the 4th Division stepped in front of me; blocking the door to Katsumi's room. I started to push past the officer who pushed me back.

"Step down Vice-Captain Abarai." I heard Captain Unohana say.

I looked behind me and saw Captain Unohana.

"Yes Ma'am." I obeyed her order and saw Vice-Captain Isane trying to bring Katsumi's heart rate back to a normal pace.

"It'll be fine Abarai. I will alert her Captain and Vice-Captain." Unohana said with a smile. "We will update you and Vice-Captain Hisagi on her status. Please take this time to get some rest."

 _Is that your way of saying get out of my division?_ _That's not going to help._

I nodded and left the now crowded hallway of officers trying to restrain and help Katsumi. Shuuhei left the Division and slammed the door as soon as he saw my face of defeat.


	8. An Understanding

Chapter VIII: An Understanding

 _This week's Shinigami Men's Association meeting was nothing but talk, in all reality, it was a waste of time nothing actually worth attending. But I have skipped enough meetings to warrant some attention to myself, so I had no choice but to attend._

When I arrived I sat at our conference table and studied the men chatting with each other. It wasn't until President Iba started talking about the ladies over at the Shinigami Women's Association that some men actually paid attention.

"What about the Festival Rangiku planned?" he started off, this started side conversations between all the guys until he spoke up again. "Wish we had more festivals like that. The ladies looked great and you guys really made me proud by going out and dancing with them. Especially you Shuuhei, you and that 8th Division girl." he teared up, all of this was fake.

I switched my gaze from the floor and nodded; unsure of what to say other than giving him a nod to show him I was actually paying attention to him.

"Yeah what's her name? She looked stunning." Harunobu asked

I looked over at the brown haired 4th division member and smiled. "Katsumi Nakamura." I replied.

"Are you guys dating?" he asked me.

I stood quiet and felt Renji's eyes on me, I let out a nervous laugh which only caused them all to look at me. I shrugged, this didn't help my case but rather it gathered more attention. The room grew silent and my mouth dry.

"It's not like that." I said picking my words wisely.

I heard a scoff from the other end of the room, my eyes met with the burning glare of Renji. "I mean you spend most of your time with her you might as well be dating or are you _using_ her?!" Renji snapped.

"What!?" I asked in shock. "What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean!?" I growled

"You look at her like she's just someone you can toy with and throw her to side once you've had your _fun_." Renji snapped as he stood alert in his chair.

The gentlemen stood quiet letting us argue, one of the main rules in the Association is that we are allowed to argue. However, if it gets the point where it becomes a fist fight one of us needs to leave.

"I respect her!" I snapped.

"Yeah like you _respect_ Rangiku and the other women you've slept with for fun?" Renji laughed darkly. "That's bullshit and you know it!"

"I respect Rangiku, that was a mutual agreement and it was consensual! I know what Katsumi has been through and I wouldn't hurt her like that!" I got up and stared at him.

"Mutual? That's funny, are you going to coax her into it as well? Are you going to take advantage of her like those guys in the academy? What kind of man are you?" His voice got louder as he slammed his hands onto the table.

"I'm not like that!" I challenged clenching my fist, my voice growing louder, my anger rising.

"Men calm down." President Iba tried to work his way into to the argument only to be pushed out.

"Renji stop acting out! Just because she clicked with me doesn't mean you need to think this situation is the same!"

"You want to repeat that!" Renji snapped. It wasn't a question, more of a threatening statement, he copied me and took a battle stance.

"That's it! One of you needs to leave." President Iba yelled.

I decided to leave the conference room, slamming the door behind me. Knowing if I stood in the room we would've started fighting.

 _What Rangiku and I had was just a sexual relationship, nothing serious, we both needed someone to get our mind off of a relationship that was toxic for us both. I understand Renji's protective attitude over her but I answered honestly._

I made my way over to the 4th Division to see Katsumi, I knew she had woken up because Renji was talking about visiting her after our meeting.

I opened the door and saw the same receptionist I scared the other day. "She's awake if you want to see her." He said to me with a meek smile.

"Thank you." I said quietly and walked down the long wide hallway. The beeping of machines echoed in the silence causing me to feel anxious about seeing her. Something about seeing a friend in this environment gave me horrible flashbacks to the death of my friends. I raised my hand the door labeled 4H and knocked.

"Come in." I heard a soft voice say.

I took a long deep breath before entering, I closed the door and turned around to see a tired smile on her face.

"Sup?" were the first words she said to me. Her black hair tied into a messy ponytail with a blue ribbon, black strands framed her face causing me to look into tired green eyes. Light dark circles surrounded her eyes, I guess they were giving her medications to help her fall asleep no matter how much her body fought it.

"Hey." I choked out.

"Come on, it's nothing serious. I'm not dying." She rolled her eyes. "You're the first one to visit me today."

"Really?"

"Yeah, my captain dropped by to speak with Unohana and one of my overseers but not me." She shrugged it off.

"That's interesting." I said.

"Actually, this is the first time I've seen you since I've woken up." She looked at me, piercing green eyes struck guilt into me.

 _I know it's been five days since she's woken up, but I could not bring myself to come here. Knowing that maybe it would've been the last time made me avoid coming. Even seeing her unconscious did not help, hearing the slow beeping of a heart rate monitor, and the sound of her barely breathing. Shit. Nothing helped._

"Sorry." I choked out.

"For what?" She asked leaning on her cross-legged lap.

"Not visiting you."

"I get it, I really do. Seeing someone hurt…kind of feels like someone punched you in the stomach with all their might. It's hard because you really want to help, but there is nothing you can do but hope that they actually wake up. And if they don't you remember seeing them as they were, laying on the bed being helped by machines to breathe."

I nodded, she said everything I was thinking in her own way.

There was a silence that felt like it lasted for hours.

"Did they ever tell you what happened to you?" I asked breaking the silence, shifting my weight from left to right foot.

"Shuuhei, you're making me anxious. Sit down." She rolled her eyes and pointed to the chair that was beside her bed. I swallowed hard and imagined Renji sitting there waiting for her to wake up. _Shit. I'll give him that, he was a dedicated friend. I couldn't even bring myself to be in here, and I could imagine, no, I know he has sat in that chair or even slept there waiting…hoping for her to wake up._

"Shuuhei." She said again bringing me back to reality.

"Yeah, sorry." I took a seat.

"They said it was like a Spirit attack…there is a technical phrase for it. It is what the humans call a Panic Attack, but a dark spirit manifested into a spirit that could mess with my spirit pressure and my ability to control my own mind; which caused me to freak out. They had someone from the 12th Division try to read my memories from that night but they could only figure out a few details. They said the memory was fragmented due to my collapse. I guess it's hard to explain especially since I'm still trying to work the medication out of my system."

"A dark spirit, like a hollow?" I questioned.

"No, it doesn't have that much hatred for me." She laughed before she looked at my serious face. "Whoops. What I mean is that it's a special spirit that can manipulate the spirit pressure of some soul reapers and cause them to see things that aren't really there. One 12th Division officer said the spirit that I saw wasn't real despite the fact that it felt real."

"So was that spirit trying to show you something?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "Not sure." Her gaze broke from my own. "Guess the 12th Division will keep me updated."

"When are you allowed to go back to your Division?" I asked changing the subject.

"Tonight I think; I am being given medication to help me sleep. The 12th Division believes that my weaken spirit pressure due to lack of sleep is the reason why this spirit was able to attack me and manipulate my spirit pressure." She gave me a weak smile. "I'm ready to leave. I'm tired of being here, tired of being under constant watch."

"I can tell." She shifted uncomfortably in her bed. I got up from the chair and sat on the edge of her bed. I took her hand in mine and smiled. "You'll get through it. You're strong."

She smiled, a blush crept onto her face. She got onto her knees and reached her arms out and hugged me tightly.

"I appreciate you coming to visit, I know I give you shit sometimes, but I really do appreciate it." She pulled away and kissed my cheek. The warmth of her lips and her body pressed against mine made me freeze. My hands wrapped around her waist and I bought her closer to me in a hug.

 _If she never woke up…I don't want to think about it._

A knock made us quickly separate from each other's grasp.

"Come in." she said.

Captain Kyoraku came in with a smile on his face. "Ready to come home?" he asked

Katsumi jumped out of bed and nodded, still in her pajamas she slipped on shoes and stood by Kyoraku.

"You need to make a deal with me first." He said, her smile immediately disappeared.

"What is it?"

"You need to accept the help we offer you, I know that is a challenge for you, but you can no longer let your pride get in the way of you getting better. The act of self-mutilation needs to stop. I know you use it as a way to cope, but that can no longer happen. I made the mistake of letting it go, I was under the impression that you could stop if I gave you time. Vice-Captain Kotetsu bought it to my attention, telling me they were deeper than she anticipated, causing her to worry about her even releasing you."

I watched as her captain lectured her, she had backed away from her captain. She kept her gaze focused on the wooden floor.

 _I knew about it, I never bought it up hoping it would get better just like Captain Kyoraku believed. She gave me the impression that she could handle it._

"I told her that I would offer a solution that would allow you to come to the 4th Division if you should need help. At this point, you could fight Shuuhei or Renji, so long as you don't take it out on yourself. I know that the road ahead is going to be hard, but I am here to listen. Do you understand?"

She nodded.

"Katsumi, I need verbal consent. I know this is hard, but I cannot allow this behavior to continue, I know you are in a great deal of pain, and once you have a working coping mechanism it is hard to change to another. But you need to try."

"I understand Captain." She said quietly.

"Thank you, Katsumi." Kyoraku turned to me. "Shuuhei, we have a few stuff to wrap up here. With that Kensei is looking for you."

"Thank you, Captain, I'll see you later Katsumi." I said giving her a smile in hope that would cheer her up.

 _Even though we always crash and burn_

 _Tonight you and I will fall from the sky_


End file.
